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NotJustAHatStand

People say life is the thing, but I prefer reading*
 

Farty Pants

The Boy and I have been together for over seven years now, and have known each other for ten. While we do try to retain some mystery, it's kind of hard. We've lived together for the last four years, so he's seen me puking, fainting, weeing and, once, laughing so hard that tea came out of my nose.

There are some things that we just don't do, one of those is leaving the door open while we go to the toilet. Having a wee is one thing, but the other thing is done behind closed doors, and we prefer it that way. Having said that, we're not above a bit of toilet humour. A wee trump is good for a laugh and we quite openly break wind in front of each other, and have a giggle about it. Frankly, if we were one of those couples that 'take it to the toilet' then we'd hardly see each other. But bear in mind this is only when we're on our own, not in any other company (apart from maybe my mum).

So the other day in Tesco, when the Boy sidled past me with a shifty look on his face I knew he had some devious plan - he has previous for this kind of thing so I should've seen it coming but alas for me my guard was down. We were standing near the end of an aisle in the home section, which was empty but for us and a well-to-do couple talking to a Tesco employee about buying a TV.

As he reached the end of the aisle he paused and, with absolutely perfect timing, released a loud, prolonged fart then disappeared round the corner, leaving me horrified and unsure how to salvage any dignity from the situation.

In the end, I loitered for a few seconds with my head down, trying to make it seem as though I was above suspicion (my thinking was that if it had been me who farted, I wouldn't be hanging about). As soon as an appropriate amount of time had passed, I scuttled round the corner without looking at anyone, and found the Boy helpless with laughter in the next aisle. As soon as I saw him I dissolved into giggles as well (which impeded the accuracy of my punch unfortunately) and we both scarpered.

This is why I can't imagine being with anyone else.

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At 10.4.07, Blogger Cat said...

I once had a boyfriend ask me to come in and talk to him while he was sitting on the toilet. I declined, not very politely. Some things are best kept private.    



At 10.4.07, Blogger James said...

Love is ... passing off your noisy fart as your fiance's while shopping at Tesco. You should send that to Hallmark ;-)    



At 11.4.07, Blogger Stacey said...

Haha, I love it. Sounds like something my boy would do. ;)    



At 11.4.07, Blogger Drama Queen said...

We have a mutual friend who thinks it’s cute to pee with her BF. Her sitting on toilet, him peeing, standing up, aiming right between her legs. I will leave you to guess who that is. . .

BF and I were away for Easter weekend. We met some people we hadn’t seen for a while, who we didn’t know that well. We had Indian food the night before and throughout the whole 30 min car journey BF was farting like a silent trouper and remaining straight laced. I knew it was him because of the particular smell*. I couldn’t cope with it so I wound the window down, to which BF replied ‘yes I think that’s a good idea DQ’.

*mortified*

* is it bad to recognise your BF’s fart smell?    



At 11.4.07, Blogger Random Reflections said...

You have shattered all my illusions about you - you fart AND go to the toilet. It's like learning there is no Sanata Claus (although there is a Santa Claus if there are any young readers out there who stumbled across this post due to the mention of farts).

It seems you are very well suited to your fiance but you will both be constantly tracked by the CCTV in Tesco now.    



At 11.4.07, Blogger Teeny said...

Cat - Definitely. Something like that could damage the relationship irrevocably.

James - Classy ain't we?!

Stacey - He enjoyed it too, he was so proud of himself.

Queenie - Oh my god, I know who you're talking about and it shouldn't shock me but it does...!

RR - I'm sorry to have shattered your illusions, but it was only a matter of time. I talk about trumping rather a lot, it seems!

And I'm sure our Tesco already keep an eye on us for their own entertainment... They probably know us as 'that couple who argue every time they come in'.    



At 11.4.07, Blogger SpanishGoth said...

As Mariposa is French - farty jokes make her laugh but I'm not sure I'd do that to her. However, it did seem like a good gag to me.

Regarding the peeing through legs - hmmmmm - I'll be taking a piss-check on that one thankyou    



At 11.4.07, Blogger Drama Queen said...

MMMM. How did you guess so easily?    



At 11.4.07, Blogger Teeny said...

Oh, you know, just a hunch!

Goth - of COURSE you wouldn't do that to Mariposa, you're a gentleman. The Boy is not.    



At 11.4.07, Blogger Timbo said...

Me and the missus were discussing number 2's last night, so this seems a very appropriate post.

Don't ask me why we were discussing it. We just were.    



At 11.4.07, Anonymous Coma Toes said...

Brilliant! That had me in fits of laughter! Unfortunately I should be working and people are wondering why i'm laughing at a spreadsheet......    



At 11.4.07, Blogger Teeny said...

Timbo - I won't ask, I'll just assume it's related to your mysterious pain...

Coma Toes - Hello, thanks for visiting! I'm glad it made you laugh! Or should I say, my FIANCE is glad it made you laugh. I think he considers it one of his finest hours.    



At 11.4.07, Blogger Mr Farty said...

Frankly, I am appalled at your boyfriend's behaviour and your own tacit approval thereof. You should both be ashamed of yourselves.

He should have owned up and yelled out at the top of his voice: "It wiz me that farted!"    



At 12.4.07, Blogger pink jellybaby said...

hmmmm my Boy farts infront of me and wishes that i would infront of him...but i'm just not comfortable with it! Not just with him, with anyone!

although he comes in the bathroom and wees when i'm in the shower, i don't do that... i'm a behind closed doors toilet girl!

hehe    



At 12.4.07, Blogger Drama Queen said...

Me too jellyb. I don't pee infront of BF and I try not to fart. Of course he thinks its hilarious if one pops out. . .    



At 12.4.07, Blogger petifilou said...

I never farted in front of anyone til I met Pol. Now we're like you two, would hardly see each other if we had to go to the bathroom to do it. We practically compete.

Unfortunately I've just read this aloud to Pol, so your Boy soon may not be the only phantom farter in Tesco!

DQ, does this spoil an illusion? "What would Peti and Pol do?" We'd fart!    



At 12.4.07, Blogger Drama Queen said...

Its not just a Boyfriend thing. I don't fart infront of most people. But then again I don't fart much. Much more of a burper. . .    



At 13.4.07, Blogger Teeny said...

Farty - He let one go in my face as a way of saying goodbye this morning. Does that redeem him in any way?!

Jellybaby - The first six months of seeing the Boy were hell on earth for me, until I felt comfortable enough to parp in his presence...

Queenie - I give it a year before you're doing it for comedy value...!

Petifilou - I'm glad it's not just us! Sorry for giving Pol ideas though...    



At 16.4.07, Blogger Saffyre said...

Omg that was so funny I actually shed a tear!    



At 16.4.07, Blogger Teeny said...

Saffyre - ta for visiting! My humiliation at the hands of the Boy seems to be amusing to people...!

Unfortunately I think he now feels justified, obliged even, to do it again so that I have something to blog about.    



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*Logan Pearsall Smith



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