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People say life is the thing, but I prefer reading*

Wax on...

I work in an office full of women. Today the topic of Britney Spears going back into rehab prompted a discussion of the shaved hoo-hoo that she decided to flash to the world a few months ago, specifically why she would want to do that. Shave it, I mean, not let people take pictures of it. I looked at those NSFW pictures of her undercarriage and it wasn't pretty - stubbly, lopsided, and with a lovely caesarian scar to top off the whole sorry mess. If she wanted to show off her area what was wrong with dying it pink or something?

So this brought us onto bikini waxing. Only three out of the seven women there had ever had a bikini wax, which I found quite surprising. And I was one of them.

It's a strange experience, being in a room with a near-stranger, clad in only your smalls. The woman I used to go to was a tiny blonde lady whose innocent appearance belied her sadistic streak. She seemed to enjoy inflicting pain on her clients and was completely unsympathetic to any pain you might be feeling. The good thing about her was that she would happily tell you about all the weird clients she had, in order to distract you from the hot wax she was slathering on your ladyparts and then ripping off with gay abandon. She told me once about a woman who lay there in just her bra and asked Sadistic Bitch for a hollywood.* She then apparently, ahem, enjoyed the pain that that causes. If you know what I mean.

*Which is, for those of you who don't know, the full monty. The bald eagle look.

ANYWAY, I don't go there anymore. I'm too skint to pay a small person to rip my body hair out by the roots on a regular basis so I wax my legs myself, which is actually quite easy to do. I think the nerve endings in my legs have been deadened by all the years of waxing by Sadistic Bitch, so it doesn't hurt too badly either. Unfortunately this doesn't extend to the bikini line. I tried once to wax that myself and it was Hell. On. Earth.

I used a hot wax kit. The wax was nice and warm, ready to be 'smoothly applied to the area' and I was standing by with the linen strip, ready to remove it 'in a swift and decisive motion'. But someone neglected to tell the marketing man at Veet that it is IMPOSSIBLE to remove a wax strip from your own sensitive area DECISIVELY. There's a REASON that waxers are sadistic bitches! I pulled that strip with all my strength, and it yanked HALF of the wax off my skin and NONE of the hair. Which left me in the awkward position of still having a (now very tender) hoo-hoo covered in wax, but without the strength of will to try another linen strip. I ended up having to sit in a nice warm, baby-oiled bath for a while to remove the wax. And by the end of it there were about three less hairs than there had been to begin with. Next time I need to be neat I'm going back to Sadistic Bitch.

Ladies, if you ever get it in your head that waxing your own bikini line is a good idea - my advice to you is don't do it. Step away from the Veet. It's not worth it, really. Go to the salon.

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At 22.2.07, Blogger James said...

You're way out of my area of expertise here, but I once heard Sandra Bullock in an interview describe how she once shaved her's into a love heart and died it pink for bf for Valentine's. What a girl!    

At 22.2.07, Blogger Hannah said...

Huh... Was aforementioned beauty therapist called Lynsey, by any chance?    

At 22.2.07, Blogger Drama Queen said...

I still can't past the fact that you wax your own legs!!! I tried that once. And I mean once, as in one strip. I had to sit in the bath to get the rest off. Its not how they make it look in the ads.

Its a mac 3 for me all the way baby. And an untidy ho-hah is just rank. Not to mention itchy.    

At 23.2.07, Blogger SpanishGoth said...

Bloody crikey - not sure what on earth possessed you to even contemplate that. It sound a real pain in the "front bottom" as my darling daughter informed me it was called.    

At 23.2.07, Blogger Teeny said...

James - dunno if I'd go that far... Well, I might consider it but only if the Boy did the same for me. And that ain't gonna happen is it?!

Hannah - She wasn't, but I think they only let you into beauty school if you can prove that you're pure EVIL.

DQ - it's not so bad once you do it a few times... You just gotta grit your teeth and think of England.

Goth - I think I was delirious from the waxing of the legs.    

At 23.2.07, Blogger Cat said...

I feel your pain. Been there:


At 23.2.07, Blogger S.H. said...

This comment has been removed by the author.    

At 23.2.07, Blogger S.H. said...

I have been there too - After psyching myself about it for quite a while I finally applied the wax but then could just not find the strength (of character) to rip off the damn strip and every time I tried, I would start giggling, not in a ha ha funny way but more in a ha ha ahhhhhhhhhh it's gonna really bloody hurt and I have true fear way. In the end I think i had to carefully pull it mm by mm and it was painful.

The beauticians here are reasonably nice so that's something but my palms still sweat on my way to the salon...    

At 23.2.07, Blogger Teeny said...

Cat - Ah. So you know. Like DQ says, they make it look so easy on the adverts... The things should come with a health warning.

SH - Pulling it off bit by bit must be WORSE! It's making my eyes water just thinking of it...    

At 24.2.07, Blogger Urban Chick said...

this post serves as a salient reminder why i have NEVER waxed, not never, not by nobody, not even by a sadistic bitch

i dispatched my sister to try it once and she said: it was worse than childbirth (and she has given birth twice naturally without pain relief so SHE SHOULD KNOW)    

At 25.2.07, Blogger Just a Girl said...

I wax my whole leg and bikini line all by myself. It's not easy but cheaper for sure.    

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*Logan Pearsall Smith

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