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People say life is the thing, but I prefer reading*

The 10 Commandments of Bus Travel

1. Thou shalt not skip the queue at the bus stop, unless you are old AND frail.* We are British, we are civilised, and we queue in an orderly manner.

2. Thou shalt not dither - make it clear whether or not you wish to get on an approaching bus, as soon as it comes into view.

3. Thou shalt have thy bus pass/fare to hand, not at the bottom of thy handbag. Some people need to get to work.

3. Thou shalt not sit next to me when the bus is half empty. There is Just. No. Need.

4. Thou shalt say 'excuse me' when you need me to let you out from the window seat. Do not just stand up and barge past me without so much as a by-your-leave.

5. Thou shalt not play music at such a volume that your fellow passengers can hear every word of the lyrics.

6. Thou shalt not put thy luggage in the Metro holder.

7. Thou shalt not hog the seat or bash your seat-mate (me) with your elbows while you read your paper.

8. Thou shalt not ding the bell more than once.

9. Thou shalt not attempt to read my book over my shoulder. It is rude.

10. Thou shalt NEVER pick thy nose on the bus.

*Just being old is not reason enough - there must also be a reasonable degree of frailty to allow queue skipping.


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At 28.6.07, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I must confess I am an over-the-shoulder reader. I've done it all my life (well, all my reading life). My mum used to give me a row for doing it! But I am just so goddamn nosy I can't help myself.


At 29.6.07, Blogger Hannah said...

AND thou shalt not smell! I swear, the no. 30 is the most revolting basin of fetid repulsiveness I've ever had the misfortune to use.    

At 29.6.07, Blogger Drama Queen said...

Can I add a few from my commuting days in Edinburgh. Things might have changed though (it was 7 years ago) but I doubt it.

Thou shall not be a jakey and sit at the back of the bus puking larger.

Thou shall not roar at two year old pink clad Chelsea for "doing your head in" in front of a packed bus.

Thou shall not ride the bus with your smelly three legged dog and allow it to sniff my crotch.

Thou shall not sit BEHIND me and have a conversation that involves me turning round and feeling sick.

Thou shall not rip ticket up, lick it and stick to the window so that I live in fear of my head making contact with your salvia.

Thou shall not discuss yours, or anyone else’s, sensitive ailments on a packed bus of rush hour commuters.

THE END (and sorry for jepoardising your post. It just inspired).    

At 29.6.07, Blogger Bluedog said...

Agree with this so much. A loud young lady on a mobile on a 22 from Ocean Terminal yesterday told the bus about a scandal at work, and was about to go into details when she realised she was in a public place.

And, please observe basic hygiene - that means washing your hair and using deodorant.

Twice now on the Magabus home there have been greasy smear marks on the glass window from people with clearly absolutely disgusting hair.

But hooray for the Edinburgh flat fare, and hooray for Megabus fares. Leith to Top of Leith Walk £1, Bus Station to Perth £2.    

At 29.6.07, Blogger Cat said...

I rarely use public transport and haven't been on a bus in months, but my rail experience yesterday was pretty hideous, and I completely agree about people sitting next to you when there are empty seats. By the time my train reached Dundee, the two people opposite me had left, but the man next to me didn't move across, leaving me pressed against the window by his bulk. As I was forced to keep my jacket, handbag and shopping bags all scrunched up on my lap whilst trying to read my book, my mood was less than brilliant.    

At 29.6.07, Blogger SpanishGoth said...

Oh you would so enjoy busses in Bruxelles. They'd make you feel right at home - weather would too at the moment    

At 30.6.07, Blogger Random Reflections said...

Oh yes indeed... all true.

On the way into work yesterday morning on the tube there was a chap who had a delve around in his nose and then put his fingers in his mouth. He was in his late 40s so we're not talking some youth here. I wouldn't want to shake his hand at that start of a business meeting...

He was also reading the newspaper of the woman sitting next to him. He is obviously a very bad man.

That really drives me mad when I'm on a bus and about 15 people ring the bell to get off at the same stop - are they deaf? Can they not hear that someone else has already rung the bell? It's like people who press the button to call the lift even though you have just done it and they can see that the button is lit. Why do people do that (and it's normally men)?

Teeny, you have struck a chord in me, I will stop now or I might explode. That would be unpleasant.    

At 30.6.07, Blogger londongirl said...

Thou shalt not eat smelly foodstuffs that hang around for hours as the windows on the bus don't open properly.

And thou shalt not intimidate people who just want to get home and who don't want to be deprived of their phone or handbag by a gang of youths.    

At 8.7.07, Blogger Cat said...

Completely unrelated. I've been using your Philosophy moisturiser since you recommended it and went on the hunt for more tonight. For £59 I got the moisturiser, cleanser, eye and lip thing, serum and scary looking facial peel things in a box - all full-sized - on Amazon. I paid £35 + £5 delivery just for the moisturiser from Space so this is a bargain indeed!    

At 9.7.07, Blogger Teeny said...

Hm, seems I've struck a nerve with the bus issues!

Cat - so you like the moisturiser then? I'm so relieved...! I use the cleanser as well so will have to check out Amazon for bargains.    

At 18.7.07, Blogger Mr Farty said...

2 - A friend of mine was one of them born-again Christians, always being nicey-nice to others, UNTIL the old biddy in the bus queue in front of him dithered...and dithered...and dithered...and the doors closed and off went the bus without her - or him. Now he just barges ahead.

second 3 - Sorry, but you smell nice. Is that Angel?

5 - But I LOVE Fleetwood Mac!

9 - I'd be too embarrassed to buy Harry Potter myself. You can turn the page now.

10 - *whistles*    

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*Logan Pearsall Smith

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